you looked me in the eye and told me you.loved.me. were you just kidding?

blah.
i feel weird today, and it felt like a good time to spill my guts out on a blog. :-/

.Steven.Dewayne.Bell.
*loud heavy sigh*
why do you do this to me?

why can't i decide who i want to be with? like i don't know. Why the hell am i with kevin? like what was i thinking? there is so much difference between him and steven..like whoa.

1. steven calls me beautiful all the time...even when i have no make up on. -kevin just calls me pretty...very rarely.
2. steven calls my phone period. -kevin barely even texts me.
3. steven tells me he loves me whenever. -kevin never says anything close to it.
4. steven has a vehicle, and has come to see me twice. -kevin has never once come to see me.
5. kevin lives 20 mins away. -steven lives 5-ish hours.
6. steven asks about my life. -kevin never does.
7. steven always tells me what he is doing when i ask. -kevin answers 'nothing'
8. steven gives me butterflies when he's around. -kevin doesn't anymore.
9. they both make me smile uncontrollably.
10. steven is a new adventure. -kevin is going backwards.
11. kevin is on my mom's good side. -steven isn't.
12. kevin's always been there for me. -steven has..but hasn't.



wtf? ha. i don't even know anymore.

what happened was steven called me last night and we talked for a little bit, well he told me to call him today. so i did, while i was waiting for my next class. Well we got on the subject of girls, and he said he's so tired of being mistreated. And that this last girl he was with saw him texting me and then went through his phone and told him he couldn't text me anymore. and he was like bullshit. ya know, so i was like yeah. girls suck pretty much. i was like its girls like that that give us other girls bad names. I was like but guys are just as bad. and he goes oh yeah. i was like yeah, they keep on until they know that they have you...then they pull it all out from under you. (he didn't get that i was talking about him) and he goes yeah, guys are like that. i was like yep. thats why i'm just not really worried about guys right now. And he said he was taking a break from girls. haha. but anyways, when he said that about his phone, i was like wtf? seriously, i would never do that cause i don't expect my bf to go through mine. And hell, he can if he wants to, but i mean, he better let me go through his. All he'll find in mine are texts from him and pictures of us. ya knows. but it just kinda hit a nerve.

i was thinking about it later how i should of said, imma laugh when you and i wind up together. i don't see why we can't be together. :( like it really erks me. ya know. i really love him, and he knows i'd do anything for him. i think i've proven that a time or two...i'm just sayin....

>.<

so now all i've been thinking about is being with him...which is soooo not good, cause i has a bf. that i'm crazy about...most of the time. its just he kinda doesn't compare to steven. i mean, i know thats bad...and that i shouldn't compare them, but you can't help but to. And the thing is steven and i have never even kissed. I mean i've kissed him on the cheek. and the last time he kissed me on the cheek and then on the neck. ya know. so idk .he's the one sending all these signals...should i just ignore them? grr.

ya know, steven even asked me last night what roxie was doing. haha. i was like she is passedd out...just like i was. haha. but idk just things like that..ya know. i don't get it. :(

i wish someone could just tell me what to do..someone that doesn't know anything about whats going on..or the history with either one of those. and just read this post. and could be like whoa..sounds like you like (insert name here) more.

and steven always has a nack for coming back when everything is going great. why or how he does that, i have no idea. he doesn't know kev and i are dating. the only reason is cause i'm afraid i'll lose him. which i know thats not fair to either one...but idk. it is what it is. i guess if he asked me, i'd tell him...but he hasn't asked. he just assumes that since i call/text him back that i don't. i don't knows.

oh and about the keeping friends away thing...he said that she couldn't keep him from talking to his friends, male or female. and i was like yeah, cause once that person leaves, you wouldn't have anyone else. i totally understand. thats why my friends are more important to me. i mean, i'm not saying my bf wouldn't be..and i would spend more time with him, but i wouldn't ditch my friends, or cut my friends out bc he wanted me to, or anything like that, ya know. you always gotta have someone you can gossip with...other than your bf. ya knows.


*sneezes*
eww. sorry.


i don't knows. i keep saying that too. but i really have no idea what to do. or who i wants to be with. actually i know the answer to the last one..its kinda painfully honest. and sorta written all over this blog..and previous posts...i'm just saying. i'm gonna have to chose. and i don't think i can.

see the choice was easy when it was kevin or nick. bc nick wasn't here, and i hadn't met nick in person..and everything was great...until steven came back. why do they always come back?!
and speaking of nick...WTF? ok, so today is his birthday, right? so me being nice, i text him happy birthday,blah blah blah. so we talk for a second, then he's all 'i miss you jsin' (jsin is MY word, whore) and i was like wow...ok. i'm sorry. so then later i'm on myspace, and he IMs me and goes 'i love you jsin' i was like What the fuckk reallyyy. why are you doing this. ok, i actually said uh..ok? what makes you want to say that. and the mf'er logs off. i want to hit him so freakin hard right now. i mean really. ughh. all it did was piss me off. i guess he's thinking he can do what steven did. and tell me he loves me and i'll magically come back. no. that only worked for steven, bc i was weak. and he is my first love. i mean, really. and plus, i'm CRAZY about my bf. so hellos? no, its not gonna work, re-re. >.<
i told him he couldn't try and steal me away from my bf...yes i actually said that. haha.


my life is just too...complicated. ugh.


i wish my dad was still alive. Mostly cause i miss him, but also bc he would have my back with this. Cause my mom can't stand steven, and she thinks he only wants one thing (sex) which totally isn't true. he wouldn't even hug me, bc he was worried it'd lead to a kiss and that'd lead to more. she never saw the way we were when we would talk on the computer. (wow..way we were when we would...alliteration! ha) but i mean, my dad saw that, everyday. he say the smile on my face, the way i'd blush. the way STEVEN would smile..i mean how can you not. ya know. and if she'd just met him...she'd see it..but no. She's a bitch and thinks that just cause he's a soldier that came back from iraq...that he's just gonna bang me then leave. (sorry so blunt) but i mean, why doesn't she just come out and say that. she has said he only wants one thing, bc of the soldier thing. but ok, i can see where she is coming from, bc he didn't have any interaction with a female while he was over there. but see she didn't know about the no hug thing to prevent that. i might would have told her, but she'd probably freak just knowing we were talking about it. UGH! see if dad was still alive, steven could probably stay the night over here whenever he came up, and he wouldn't have to get a hotel. which is what makes him hesitate to come up here. (he told me that) and i would go down there, bc i know i could stay with him...but oh hell my mom would have a freakin cow if she even knew i was thinking about it. so ugh. its not fair. when i get my own vehicle and start paying for my own gas...she can't stop me then. esp if i'm telling her where i'm going, and she knows i'll call when i leave and when i get there...i mean. really. ughhh.



okokokok.
i guess this is enough for now, plus i have to go back and read what i wrote. xD








<---this pretty much sums up the blog. ha.





-erynn