its bad when...

ugh. its raining again..but thats ok, it fits my mood. :(


so its bad when you're just sitting around...and thoughts of your ex..who you haven't even really talked to in almost 5 months come back..
i mean, yeah, he did just call me like a week or so ago...and i think thats why i'm having the thoughts, and thinking back. cause i actually heard his voice..yeahh.
so many memories with him..
why did i let him go again?

he was my best friend, i told him more than i told my girl best friends. but they don't know that so shhhhh.
i'm starting to believe that i loved him...i mean really, why did i go back to him after a month of not talking at all? oh because i sat around one day and thought about him...then he saw me, and i spose feelings came rushing back? ehh.
soo now i hear him and they come back-ish? gr.
maybe i'm just destined to be stuck with him..haha. i really wouldn't mind, just i'm scared he'll cheat...simply because he knows i won't have sex..not soon anyway.
and i mean, if he was willing to wait around and ask me back out that last time, why did i say noo? twice even. :(
i think i just kinda want him back as a friend...best friend. cause he was there for me through most of this stuff with my dad, he put up with me. the emotional me. the ones i know my friends can't/couldn't handle.
i believe thats why i had that dream, cause i know, honestly, i'll probably text him first. i mean, no offense to my friends, but really i think he will. i believe he will be the one i run to esp if steven isn't home yet.
and thats what sarah didn't understand...she was like you have your friends, i'm like no, you don't get it, he was there through all that shit, and STILL stuck by me. fought me on it, and knew something was wrong. He called me those days when i had to sit up at the hospital with daddy. He made my day better, seriously. i don't think i would have even been able to make it through half the shit i did, without him..honestly.
yeah, he'll always have a 'place in my heart' too. i just laughed it off when he said it to me, but honestly i know he does in mine. and i believe him. cause i believe that i made him fall for me, not just me for sex either or kissing..for me, my personality and over all awesomeness. ;)) haha.
but really, i think i did. it might have started out as something else, but thats what it turned into.
its bad that the sound of his voice can still make me smile, or that when he texts me, i smile too.
i hate that i do that, believe it or not. i really do. haha.
i mean, 5 months...thats a long time. i think God gave me that third chance cause i shouldn't have broken it off the second time. but if we are truely meant to be together...it'll happen. i just wish i could figure it out sooner.. :P

i'm ready to fall in love..i really am.

i spose its bad cause i thought i had these intense feelings towards steven, and i do, but i don't think they're the same anymore. idkk. i know what i want to believe, but i don't think its gonna happen. i'm scared to meet steven, simply because its gonna kill me when i don't get to hold him and tell him goodnight everynight. i know it will. but i can't not meet him. that would kill me too. and seee this is what i told steven, idk if i can meet him, but i have too cause i know if the chance comes up and i don't...i'll regret it forever. i wish it was like a love story, doesn't the guy and the girl always fall in love at the end? so why couldn't steven and i meet and fall in love, again, just in person this time. i know what he's gonna be expecting if and when we do meet up, and i know i'm not gonna be that girl...i'm gonna be shy and reserved. i'd like to think otherwise, but i know thats how its gonna be. if i don't die from lack of oxygen first. haha.

yes, this is a thinkin outloud blog.

anyways, i'm not typing anymore..
i have nothing else really to say....

happy monday


<33
erynn