*big sigh*

ha. wow, i just got invited to a nude chat...woww.

anyways, i'm not sure what is wrong with me. i wish i knew. i wish i knew why i feel sick, why i want to throw up, and why i really just wanna sit and cry. like apoweirhd
its so aggrevating. seriously.

first off...
my best friend is coming up in about two weeks...
i don't want her to come over..i don't even want to see her. is that horrible?
like i love her to death...but really i'm so mad at her, i don't think either one of us would enjoy the visit. plus, she'll probably go see randyyy first. doesn't matter that i have been there through every fucking thing with her for the past year and a half...nope, i rank second to him. her love. and the bitch fucking stole that from me too. cause i call steven my love..and what does she start callin that guy? hmm? and you better believe i told her she couldn't use that...but nooooo. i got fed up and just didn't send back. she frustrates me more now that she is gone. mostly cause she up and LEFT...LEFT when i needed her the most...i understand that you needed to get away from the fucking drugs..but you could have done that and stayed in town. i'm sorry, that was the worst decision of your life..and the sooner you realize it, the sooner everything can go back to normal.
and ya know, when you asked what happened...really? do you think i'm just gonna tell you, no. otherwise i would have..God i'll never fucking change my status again...sometimes a gal just needs to be depressed and left alone. but that's ok, cause again...you weren't there..so i relied on my other best friend who i've never even MET and lives idk how far away to talk me down and get me in a better mood. he is the reason i even made it through the day today. i seriously wish he lived closer. but thats another story. yeah, again..AGAIN...you weren't there. so no, and i'm not sorry i didn't tell you. i think you're lost that privalige. (sp?)

i'm scared that i care tooo much. and that i've fallen so hard for this guy that everything will go down...like always. nothing can ever go right, and it pisses me off. like really. idkk.

matt...seriously..
i will never forgive you. just so you know. esp since you didn't even bother to explain yourself. you just up and cut me out. then let your effin wife sit there and say shit to me...uh no. thats not how its gonna go. and honestly, you're lucky i haven't cussed you out yet. only cause i want to know things...maybe after that, i might. but really. i have so much i want to say to you. And really, don't give me that shit about a married guy and a single girl in public..no one would fucking know. and hell, why would i want to go in public..i think i already found out that i can't take you anywhere. haha. and techincally, i'm not really all that single. try me..i bet you don't get very far. haha.
i'm pissed at you, cause you tell me one thing...talk about dating me. then turn around and tell candi a fucking lie about how you said that we could never be anything even if you guys splited...seriously. don't lead someone on like that.
and ya know, get away from her. really, then you'll be happy. cause you honestly can't sit there and tell me you are. i won't believe you. otherwise you wouldn't have been pushing for a divorce the few days after we met. yeahhhh. and ya know, you promised...PROMISED me.
another fucking guy that can't keep his promise...big shock. i honestly can't wait to get out of texas..and away from all these assholes.

cause chances are, i won't even get to meet steven....i'm pretty sure i won't. like i said, i've lost all my hope. and i just...idk.
the night kevin called me...still plays in my head.
i always say that i never loved him, but i guess i did. i don't know.
i honestly want to become a lesbian right now.
cause girls don't play your fucking hearts like that.
well some do..but most of us don't..and don't even deserve to be treated like we are. thats what made me so crazy about steven. seriously. cause he was the first honest, down to earth, sweetest, cutest (hehe), and just all around most amazing guy i'd ever met. AND he's in fucking iraq...seriously..and he's still that wonderful...i could only imagine him before we met.
but now war has really gotten to him, and i'm scared he thinks i can't handle it...i'm a big girl, i can handle a hell of a lot more then you think love, i promise you that. and i can uphold my promises. I don't care about your past, it doesn't scare me. And ya know, i know when you come back, its gonna be tough, and you're gonna need someone...and i wanna be that someone. Cause really, i think i could help you, help you relax, just be there for you. i do, i really do think i could, if you would let me.

idk. now i'm just randomly talking.
i never realized seriously how crazy i was about him..till i heard his voice for the first time in about 2 months...and my heart just skips a beat. i love the sound of your voice. and i wouldn't mind listenin to you talk for hours. i really wouldn't. i can't wait for you to come home. just so you know.


thats all i feel like typing right now.

<3
erin